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Ive been inspired to write my thoughts and experiences on depression.

Thing is that it’s a silent killer. You don’t really realize you’re depressed untill everything around you changes. You change most drastically than everything else. It has an accumulative effect, it snowballs itself into fruition and by the time you start to notice that something ain’t right it’s been not right for a whole lot of time. Depression, something I often am uncertain of,do I really have it? Because I’ve been like this for a really long time, I’m not sure if I’m not just that kind of person now or whatever is going on, I rly don’t have a way of comparison, I just remember that I was happy somewhere along the line of my life, but I can’t recall the feeling. And by happy I mean fine, or okay. Not necessarily ‘happy’ but the opposite of miserable and empty. I guess I should call it peace. You lose yourself, you lose your interests, you lose your reason for existence. When it was at it’s peak I slept from dusk till dawn, I skipped lectures, I failed classes, I didn’t workout anymore, I didn’t do anything besides sleep. And that itself creates a ground for depression to sink it’s roots into. It’s autotrophic in the way that it makes you create your misery and then feeds itself out of it, making itself even more impactful.

Depression is like onions as Shrek would say. It has layers and it’s problematic in many different ways that compliment each other at the same time, you can’t tackle one and expect it not to reappear if you shift your focus on the others. Its doubt in everything, and I did that, I doubted my friends, my family and myself, it’s also fuel for every insecurity, it makes them grow a thousand times, it zooms into them, it makes communication so bad, because even the thought of speaking to someone about it is overwhelming.

Something that breaks a person is the fact that this is who you are now, you ain’t going back. In my case I won’t be going back to my previous plan of education, I won’t be the same personality, I won’t bring back the words I’ve told different people, I can’t rewind the traumatic experiences, I can’t delete the memories and thoughts about permanent solutions, I can’t get rid of the eye shadows, the coping mechanisms i developed, the hairs I ripped out.

But the worst of it all is that it never goes away. Even if you get better, even if you’re hanging in and you’re progressing you’re just one dead relative, one failed exam, one rejection, one quarrel with a family member or a friend, one of something triggering and you’re back in there. Like it never left, and it didn’t.

Yes it gets better, but you’ve got an anchor on your leg, you just wait till you get to the deeper ends of the sea again.

No one really has the power to help you, only to support you while you help yourself, it’s a one man/woman journey and you gotta understand that, because I’ve been relying on people to heal me, and that makes relationships toxic and you lose your loved ones, you don’t win the battle that way.

The number one tip I could give is to just focus on the current, the sounds right now, the light or darkness around you, the air in your space, don’t dwell in your mind, it’s intoxicated and will lie to you, and it WILL convince you to believe in things normally you would never agree with. You happen to have the enemy inside you , and the trick is to not take it out along with yourself. You start to self destruct and that’s a strange opiate which I can’t out with words but it’s common and you should avoid things with lasting damage. You’ll feel better destroying yourself in that moment, but when the moment passes you’re left with the scars of whatever you’ve done to yourself, not necessarily talking about physical scars.

But let me tell you, there is good in every bad, light in every darkness. You’ll become stronger by the time, you’ll learn how to handle it more and more and you’ll know how to help other people, you’ll empathize a lot easily, you’ll appreciate the smaller things , even the things you never saw before.

Depressed people have that unspoken connection between each other, they really understand what just can’t be put into words or logic. That don’t mean they can help each other, but it does give the perspective that you’re not really alone, even tho it feels pretty lonely locked inside your own head.

I wish everyone going through this to make it out alive and well. They truly are special, like all people, magic and blessing in this universe they are.

You can’t really knock depression out, you can’t kill it, but what you can do is make yourself stronger to endure it’s punches and do the things that wouldn’t let it develop further.